Horror Scope - 4th March 2008

Pisces

The planets are avoiding you, so is it really necessary to pull the wool over ‘everyone’s’ eyes? You can’t count your sheep and eat them! Time for a shearing! Mint sauce won’t make this guilt feel any better, no no, it won’t!

Aries

Clap on, clap off! You’re going through your Uranus phase! Ooooooooooo!

Taurus

Saturn is in an eclipse of the cheese! So you need to buy a sausage dog! So you can feel bigger in this world! Look, no…up here! Self esteem does matter. Yours is just a little teenier than the average Weetbix Weevil!

Gemini

Mars is connected to Alpha Beta Zephyr, which shows your A-personality is connected to your, leg bone. Your B-personality is connected to your, shoulder bone. Your C-personality is connected to your, cock styx!

Cancer

Venus is in your Pluto phase, which says you should…RELAX, Take it eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeasy! There’s not a lot that you can do.

Leo

Jupiter has gone into a spiral salsa like spin, which tells you that you’re the King of the swingers club, the Jungle VIPooh. You’ve reached the top and had to stop and that’s what’s bothering you. You want to be mans man cub, and stroll right into town! And be just like the other lions, you’re tired of fooling around! Yeah, do be do! Ba ba de ba ba doo!

Virgo

The Moon has aligned itself with your nose! Meaning other peoples business is now getting right up your nostrils. Blow it, wipe it! Just don’t stiff. You’ll get that bad taste on the back of your tongue knowing everyone else’s stuff.

Libra

Neptune says, “THOU SHALT NOT STICK TRIDON UP OTHER PEOPLE’S A-HOLES!” So stop poking everyone a sling some seaweed man.

Scorpio

Antares has just burnt out! Making Centure C Major the only star worth mentioning in your constellation. You’ve lost the heart to do what’s right. Like the Tin Man, just follow the yellow brick road and you’ll find it again, see!

Sagittarius

Mercury, I’m not half the man I use to be….there’s a shadow hanging over me! Oh I believe, in leprosy!

Capricorn

Earth has re-orbited with Jumble Nennon in the Arthurian Galaxy. Wooow! Hey, how many heads do you really have???

Aquarius

Someone once told you not to look at the stars. But if you are what you say you are, a super star, then have no fear! The camera’s here, and the microphone, and they want to know know know know…Yeah!