Horror Scope - 30 July 2007

Human sapiens can put a lot of energy and thought into horoscopes and star signs. Some are better than others! Some could have applied to you a week before! Some blankly confusing with a touch of shite!
Seeing as I have clairvoyant blood in me, even though my connections are dreams rather than astrology, I shall attempt to write a horoscope for the week every Monday.

Leo
The week holds one or two speed bumps for you. If you’re single, romance has turned its back on you and you’re going to trip on that step while looking at that good looking person! If its money you seek, keep a R5 coin handy and avoid paying the mime behind your car, it might just double! Oh, and take a bath sometime, you need a clean you dirty ape!

Virgo
Oh my God, if it isn’t the Kings and Queens of indecisiveness! There’s no real hope for you this week, you can’t make a bloody decision! Word of advice, buy that hand bag, keep those shoes, eat the doughnut and just bloody call him/her! Make up your bloody mind!

Libra
You drink too much!!! And you slobber when you’re drunk!!! Start a new health program or sign up at the gym because that spare tyre and those puppies in your pants aren’t going to disappear fast. Hey, what do I know? You’re a New Years baby and that means your parents were probably wasted on champagne while making you!

Scorpio
Hell yes!!! But no, don’t do it! Whatever it is, leave it alone...It bites!

Sagittarius
Stop being so quiet and shy! Talk to someone, make a joke, or embarrass yourself just a little. Hey, you’re not a kitten waiting for its milk! You’re a fucking sex fox who needs to be shagged, hard! Bring on the Jack Hammer!!!

Capricorn
It sucks that you share a Birthday with the Little Baby Jesus, and everyone forgets you exist because you’ve got ‘middle child’ syndrome! But your light is shining..expect an increase, or a speeding fine!

Aquarius
You’re cuckoo this week! Completely fucking loopy! Cool, have fun and enjoy it!

Pisces
Your domineering, super superficial, cold dutch clog of a heart will find happiness at last. You got what ever it is you wanted, yay! Hell, it’s all about you anyway! Selfish, self absorbed, rubbish! It’s all in your head you spoilt little brat!

Aries
You need to get that ‘farting while laughing’ problem sorted out! Try Milk of Mac Cheese Burger, or use a cork!

Taurus
You’re making everyone laugh this week but it still means you’re going to get no action this weekend, sorry! Stop telling yourself you’re ugly, beauty is in the eye of the beer holder! That meaningful sex is still a long way away!

Gemini
Your ridiculous good looks are going to get you into trouble this week. Stop smiling at everyone! No one cares that you’re cool and well, smiley! Stop it, STOP IT! Stop bloody smiling!

Cancer
Well, if it isn’t little Lenny Loose Jocks! Hell, bet on everything with 500-1 odds, you’ll make a packet! Drink that sour milk, throw your drinking yoghurt at some poor policemen…you’ll see! Oh, and if he/she phones, you were at church on the night of the 19th! Bet you’re looking forward to next week Monday hey?