Horror Scope - 4th March 2008

Pisces

The planets are avoiding you, so is it really necessary to pull the wool over ‘everyone’s’ eyes? You can’t count your sheep and eat them! Time for a shearing! Mint sauce won’t make this guilt feel any better, no no, it won’t!

Aries

Clap on, clap off! You’re going through your Uranus phase! Ooooooooooo!

Taurus

Saturn is in an eclipse of the cheese! So you need to buy a sausage dog! So you can feel bigger in this world! Look, no…up here! Self esteem does matter. Yours is just a little teenier than the average Weetbix Weevil!

Gemini

Mars is connected to Alpha Beta Zephyr, which shows your A-personality is connected to your, leg bone. Your B-personality is connected to your, shoulder bone. Your C-personality is connected to your, cock styx!

Cancer

Venus is in your Pluto phase, which says you should…RELAX, Take it eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeasy! There’s not a lot that you can do.

Leo

Jupiter has gone into a spiral salsa like spin, which tells you that you’re the King of the swingers club, the Jungle VIPooh. You’ve reached the top and had to stop and that’s what’s bothering you. You want to be mans man cub, and stroll right into town! And be just like the other lions, you’re tired of fooling around! Yeah, do be do! Ba ba de ba ba doo!

Virgo

The Moon has aligned itself with your nose! Meaning other peoples business is now getting right up your nostrils. Blow it, wipe it! Just don’t stiff. You’ll get that bad taste on the back of your tongue knowing everyone else’s stuff.

Libra

Neptune says, “THOU SHALT NOT STICK TRIDON UP OTHER PEOPLE’S A-HOLES!” So stop poking everyone a sling some seaweed man.

Scorpio

Antares has just burnt out! Making Centure C Major the only star worth mentioning in your constellation. You’ve lost the heart to do what’s right. Like the Tin Man, just follow the yellow brick road and you’ll find it again, see!

Sagittarius

Mercury, I’m not half the man I use to be….there’s a shadow hanging over me! Oh I believe, in leprosy!

Capricorn

Earth has re-orbited with Jumble Nennon in the Arthurian Galaxy. Wooow! Hey, how many heads do you really have???

Aquarius

Someone once told you not to look at the stars. But if you are what you say you are, a super star, then have no fear! The camera’s here, and the microphone, and they want to know know know know…Yeah!

Horror Scope - 25 February 2008

Pisces

Crickey, you’re a slippery one. Get yourself into compete flap when someone pulls you out the current. Well, it ain’t always smooth flowing in these waters! So here’s the deal Stinky…stop being so selfish…fish! Yes, even you make mistakes, but your short memory doesn’t lend well to learning the curve. You’re too straight forward!

Aries

Well clearly there’s been some misunderstanding. No wait! Sorry, my mistake! There hasn’t, it’s just the writing on the ‘wall’ clearing up!

Taurus

Little sensitive Bull with corks on your horns! Shame! Show some assertive aggression dam nit! Its red, chase it, chase it!

Gemini

Look, we can’t introduce ourselves to you both…it’s one, or the other! Every date is a threesome in your case so which one is it? I’d say stick with the one with personality! The other could bore a hole through a Virgo!

Cancer

I’m guessing you’re on holiday this week? No! Got a pay increase? Nah! Won the lotto? Negative! Hold on, are those feathers you’re walking on??? Bingo, you got laid!!!

Leo

Nope, didn’t think so…maybe next week!

Virgo

You have a hole through you! And the Gemini bustard isn’t showing the slightest bit of compassion for this disaster. Nothing like a hole through you though, just to start the week!

Libra

Please, stop eating garlic or this week will feel like a Leona Lewis song…for everyone!

Scorpio

HIGH FIVE! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGING!

Sagittarius

Naughty, naughty…but I like it! Yeah! Everyone wants to say, “Hey sweet cheeks!” And you’ll reply with little giggles…which it’s a little silly, and a little hairy, and a little scary…

Capricorn

Caprimelie….long time till your Birthday hey…aaaa, pettle! Don’t worry, it’s Leap Year! So you get to wait one more day!

Aquarius

Two things to remember this week, stage and presence. Head’s need to turn, you’re the prize, and trophies like to be touched. Confidence is key! Wear gold, lots of it. And get a tattoo, on your forehead!

Horror Scope - 10 Septmeber 2007

Virgo

Well, it’s a good start! But Virgo’s and love is like adding too much flour to gravy! The sauce starts to thicken up after a few passionate stirs!

Libra

LOVE! Sorry what? Not too sure what that is hey! Well here’s a hint! In your case, it’s like a cold spring, nothing has blossomed yet!

Scorpio

Lucky you! You getting all the passion you need. Not Enough? Well then I suggest you find some Formula Ugggh!

Sagittarius

You suck at love right now…no really, you suck! Problem! Too much over share…sort of like, sharing bath water!

Capricorn

Ha ha, the Dark Horse of love! Oh well, at least you meeting new and peculiar people! Means more Christmas cards for the Christmas Baby!

Aquarius

You’re looking for the perfect lover, the ultimate shagger, and someone who squeezes the tooth paste from the bottom! Controlling doesn’t help! You’re just looking for a needle in a concrete block!

Pisces

Still don’t know what love is huh? Or maybe you do! Fish have a memory of 3 seconds…

Aries

Spring hold’s great romance for you this week! So push that meat ball with your nose towards them, you might get lucky! You might get laid!! You might get MARRIED!!!

Taurus

You and The Aquarians should hook up, really! You’re like two pods in a pea! Stop looking for the one, and try two!

Gemini

Romance hits you like a demolition ball this week! Good! Candles and a hot tub, mmmmm! Nice!

Cancer

You haven’t really embraced spring yet, you’re still in your winter woolies! Shame! Maybe try a romance novel to get you in the mood…you know, one of those cheap petrol station books with the suspense rate of watching someone assemble their Zimmer frame!

Leo

You had all your loving last week! Sorry for you…early bird catches the worm! You should have played with your food before swallowing it! Ha ha….

Horror Scope - 14 August 2007

Leo
Spank my hinny and call me Jimbo. You've finally arrived at your destination, the place you feel you fit in. Don’t expect too much though! In time, nuts like you loose their thread!

Virgo
A run away hubcap will lodge itself up your nose!

Libra
A screaming Virgo will ask you to dislodge a run away hubcap from they're nose!

Scorpio
‘Can you feel the love tonight?’ Dude, you may want to keep those socks on in bed because whoever is sharing it with you is going to cause a chill.

Sagittarius
Someone at work is pissing you off! They lambaste you with comments and snide remarks. Solution? Start a rumour that they go to ‘Star Trek’ conventions. However if they’re a Pisces, don’t expect much notice!

Capricorn
Still wish you hadn’t said that? Yes, I know, you are a fool! The original idiot! Buy some ice-cream, get some DVD’s and lock yourself in the house. It’s better this way, at least until the gale blows away that cloud hanging over your head towards the end of the week.

Aquarius
Hi there! What’s your name? Really?!! No, get out of here! Come on!
Everyone just wants to listen to you this week..not sure why? Numb nuts!

Pisces
I’m not talking to you!

Aries
Well at least one star is shinning this week! Don’t blind anyone…aaa, for fuck sakes don’t you come with a dimmer?

Taurus
You’re objective, sulky and sensitive! Take a holiday on a deserted island, or pay for a friend to go instead! Either way you’ll make someone happy if it’s not yourself!

Gemini
Financials, good! Love life, average! Ability to acquire a reasonable amount of non-saturated social behavior while still managing to enjoy a seasonable and responsible approach to life, terrible!

Cancer
Oh my word, that was so last year! Get a new wardrobe you hobo!

Horror Scope - 5 August 2007

Leo
Spank my hinny and call me Jimbo. You've finally arrived at your destination, the place you feel you fit in. Don’t expect too much though! In time, nuts like you loose their thread!

Virgo
A run away hubcap will lodge itself up your nose!

Libra
A screaming Virgo will ask you to dislodge a run away hubcap from they're nose!

Scorpio
‘Can you feel the love tonight?’ Dude, you may want to keep those socks on in bed because whoever is sharing it with you is going to cause a chill.

Sagittarius
Someone at work is pissing you off! They lambaste you with comments and snide remarks. Solution? Start a rumour that they go to ‘Star Trek’ conventions. However if they’re a Pisces, don’t expect much notice!

Capricorn
Still wish you hadn’t said that? Yes, I know, you are a fool! The original idiot! Buy some ice-cream, get some DVD’s and lock yourself in the house. It’s better this way, at least until the gale blows away that cloud hanging over your head towards the end of the week.

Aquarius
Hi there! What’s your name? Really?!! No, get out of here! Come on!
Everyone just wants to listen to you this week..not sure why? Numb nuts!

Pisces
I’m not talking to you!

Aries
Well at least one star is shinning this week! Don’t blind anyone…aaa, for fuck sakes don’t you come with a dimmer?

Taurus
You’re objective, sulky and sensitive! Take a holiday on a deserted island, or pay for a friend to go instead! Either way you’ll make someone happy if it’s not yourself!

Gemini
Financials, good! Love life, average! Ability to acquire a reasonable amount of non-saturated social behavior while still managing to enjoy a seasonable and responsible approach to life, terrible!

Cancer
Oh my word, that was so last year! Get a new wardrobe you hobo!

Horror Scope - 30 July 2007

Human sapiens can put a lot of energy and thought into horoscopes and star signs. Some are better than others! Some could have applied to you a week before! Some blankly confusing with a touch of shite!
Seeing as I have clairvoyant blood in me, even though my connections are dreams rather than astrology, I shall attempt to write a horoscope for the week every Monday.

Leo
The week holds one or two speed bumps for you. If you’re single, romance has turned its back on you and you’re going to trip on that step while looking at that good looking person! If its money you seek, keep a R5 coin handy and avoid paying the mime behind your car, it might just double! Oh, and take a bath sometime, you need a clean you dirty ape!

Virgo
Oh my God, if it isn’t the Kings and Queens of indecisiveness! There’s no real hope for you this week, you can’t make a bloody decision! Word of advice, buy that hand bag, keep those shoes, eat the doughnut and just bloody call him/her! Make up your bloody mind!

Libra
You drink too much!!! And you slobber when you’re drunk!!! Start a new health program or sign up at the gym because that spare tyre and those puppies in your pants aren’t going to disappear fast. Hey, what do I know? You’re a New Years baby and that means your parents were probably wasted on champagne while making you!

Scorpio
Hell yes!!! But no, don’t do it! Whatever it is, leave it alone...It bites!

Sagittarius
Stop being so quiet and shy! Talk to someone, make a joke, or embarrass yourself just a little. Hey, you’re not a kitten waiting for its milk! You’re a fucking sex fox who needs to be shagged, hard! Bring on the Jack Hammer!!!

Capricorn
It sucks that you share a Birthday with the Little Baby Jesus, and everyone forgets you exist because you’ve got ‘middle child’ syndrome! But your light is shining..expect an increase, or a speeding fine!

Aquarius
You’re cuckoo this week! Completely fucking loopy! Cool, have fun and enjoy it!

Pisces
Your domineering, super superficial, cold dutch clog of a heart will find happiness at last. You got what ever it is you wanted, yay! Hell, it’s all about you anyway! Selfish, self absorbed, rubbish! It’s all in your head you spoilt little brat!

Aries
You need to get that ‘farting while laughing’ problem sorted out! Try Milk of Mac Cheese Burger, or use a cork!

Taurus
You’re making everyone laugh this week but it still means you’re going to get no action this weekend, sorry! Stop telling yourself you’re ugly, beauty is in the eye of the beer holder! That meaningful sex is still a long way away!

Gemini
Your ridiculous good looks are going to get you into trouble this week. Stop smiling at everyone! No one cares that you’re cool and well, smiley! Stop it, STOP IT! Stop bloody smiling!

Cancer
Well, if it isn’t little Lenny Loose Jocks! Hell, bet on everything with 500-1 odds, you’ll make a packet! Drink that sour milk, throw your drinking yoghurt at some poor policemen…you’ll see! Oh, and if he/she phones, you were at church on the night of the 19th! Bet you’re looking forward to next week Monday hey?

Horror Scope - 3 September 2007

Virgo

‘Happy Birthday to me…it’s all about me…I behave like a monkey…cause I’m happy I’m me!’ Still swinging high during your birthday time, and starting to behave like a banana too, good good!

Libra

Hang-on, hang-on, hang-on! What’s that I heard you say? ‘My bum looks big in this!’ ‘She doesn’t like my mono-brow!’ Give me a break! You could throw shit at the queen and still get her to smile! Stop thinking you’re a tool and start telling yourself that everyone actually likes you because you have a hot sibling!

Scorpio

Come down to Earth have we, from ‘that planet way up there, above everyone else!’ It’s a good thing! It will show you that life is a nasty set of mogels and sometimes yes, you do fall on your ass! But things will smoothen out, and you’ll be on soft fluffy feathers soon!

Sagittarius

Ha…everyone just wants to point and laugh! Why? Because you dress funny, that’s why!

Capricorn

Little capri, a little Corn and what do you get! A flirting disaster!

Aquarius

Just don’t let anyone one tell you’re freaking them out this week! You have the power to control, use it! So what if you tend to stare at people a little longer than usual!? They make you uncomfortable by staring back!

Pisces

Hell, you’re still here? Grow-up fish dude and get over it, they have!

Aries

You’ve sort of been singled out, left on your own and feeling a little influenced by the fact that you can lick your elbow. Hey, what the hell do I know, you giggle when you pee!

Taurus

You are being nasty this week. No one likes to be called a friggin idiot ok! Stop judging and start convicting! If they piss you off, right them off! Nastiness is never very naas!

Gemini

Alter Ego’s? Split personalities? Hey, at least you’ve got friends!

Cancer

I thought long and hard about your current situation, and it stinks! I mean really, who the hell do they think they are? Well, just tell them to stop then. Who? Those little voice’s inside your head! Yeeesh, and you call me mad!

Leo

You’re the only one with a love life this week. So unless you’re shagging other Leo’s, you not going to be getting little to no steamy nookie! Try spooning your pillow!